My Notebook

I am in constant need of little notebooks. I carry one with me at all times. I have 3 pens to every notebook and a steady flow of thoughts.

I lie in bed, crushed.

You shower me with endless compliments


But I don’t believe a word of it.


And I’m so insecure

That I think I’m just another to add on to your list of relationships.


I can’t be convinced otherwise.


How and why are you with me?

How is it possible that I feel more special with the men who means nothing to me?

Yet with you,

You have a way of taking that away from me,
unknowingly and unintentionally.

You made me fall into that hole of ugliness I once tried to cover

Without even trying to.

At the wedding,
one of my coworker, who I hardly talk to, was drunk.
“Treat her nice.” She told you.
“I will.” You said.

And this little voice somewhere in the back of my mind thought,
“Yeah right. Doubtful.”
And it just sneered at the idea of it.
But me-I just stood there with my beer,
beaming because I was listening to another voice that was gushing and saying,
“I hope so!”

I am in constant need for a rush of adrenaline

- A constant need for a surprise.

The courage I feel to face my fears,

Has made me eager to skydive

     into love.

I am strong enough again to be vulnerable.  

Me: 

I’m going through a I-miss-certain-people syndrome again.  And you’re included on that list ;) haha

And I feel stupid and cheesy and grossed out with myself for admitting it. LOL

You:

It’s cute.

There’s nothing wrong with it.

I miss you too :)

You could just flat out text me that you miss me, you know.  Don’t have to be grossed out.

Me: 

I know.  But I still gross myself out.

You know how when something is super cheesy and cute, it makes you want to throw up?

That’s how I feel about missing you LMAO :)



It’s 5 o clock in the morning,
Conversation got boring,
You said you’re going to bed soon,
So I snuck off to your bedroom,
And I thought i’d just wait there,
Untill I heard you come up the stairs,
And I pretended I was sleeping,
And I was hoping you would creep in with me.

You put your arm around my shoulder,
It was as if the room got colder,
And we moved closer in together,
And started talking about the weather,
You said tomorow would be fun,
And we could watch A Place In The Sun,
I didn’t know where this was going,
When you kissed me.

Are you mine? Are you mine?
Cos I stay here all the time,
Watching telly, Drinking wine,
Who’d have known, Who’d have known?
When you flash up on my phone,
I no longer feel alone,
No longer feel alone.

I haven’t left you for days now,
And I’m becoming amazed how,
Your quite affectionate in public,
In fact your friend said it made her feel sick,
And even though it’s moving forward,
There’s just the right amount of awkward,
And today you accidentally,
Called me baby.

Are you mine? Are you mine?
Cos I stay here all the time,
Watching telly, Drinking wine,
Who’d have known, Who’d have known?
When you flash up on my phone,
I no longer feel alone,

Let’s just stay, Let’s just stay,
I wanna lie in bed all day,
We’ll be laughing all the way,
You told your friends,
They all know,
That we exsist but we’re taking it slow,
Lets just see how we go,
Now let’s see how we go.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7_EaDmmXes

I did it again.

2013.

This was the year I was suppose to follow the “5 dates” rule.

I met someone new.

He wanted to go slow.

He’s so different-this might work.

This was my chance to work on a new relationship.

But I messed up.

I gave it up too fast.

I can’t help myself.

Now I’ve shut down again.

I’m emotionally unavailable.

It’s so unfair to him.

I just don’t know any better.

On graduation day, my mom wrote,

“It’s amazing that you’ve never asked for money or anything from me.  Even when I want to give it to you, you never take it.”


I just don’t need anything from anybody.


I also don’t believe anyone will be there for me so I had to learn how to be strong for myself.

The bathroom has always been my favorite place in the house.

Whether I turn on the fan and sit in a corner,

Or let the scalding water run down my body,

It buys me at least one hour of crying time.

We have touch-less sex

In one week, I feel like I’ve aged 10 years.

I got really good at being emotionally detached, no matter what the situation is.
But the fact that I might be losing my mom without really losing her, is starting to hit me.
And in my exhaustion and frustrated state,
I feel all those emotions I blocked out, are finally catching up to me.

Dammit.

I kicked him out.

Now I miss him.

So much for wanting things to end.

If there are those who are blinded and can’t see

the troubles of the world,

I will make them see or speak loudly for them to hear.

We are all given mouths

But if there are those who aren’t allowed to speak up,

I will speak for them.

If the oppressors have crippled their legs,

I will stand up for their rights.