My Notebook

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

The most untrue quote ever.

Get out of my head! 

“…A guy will begin backing off from a girl and even trying to escape as soon as she seems available.  Because he feels, Okay, I don’t have to do anything to get her.  She’s no longer a challenge. He doesn’t say this to her face.  He doesn’t let her figure out that he is in the wrong, no way! He makes her believe that she is the one who has problems, not him.  Some of them give the girl hints, hoping she will end the relationship herself, but we stupid girls never pick up on them.  We go on working on the relationship until it kills us, even if we’re pretty sure from the start that it’s a total disaster.  That’s why in the end we make fools of ourselves.  We’re the ones who don’t hold on to our pride from the start to get out with our honor intact.”

-“Girls of Riyadh” 

Maybe it’s all the bruises

But I think I finally know what it feels like to have my heart broken.

What a waste.

There was a boy in the hospital who fell in love with my brain.

He didn’t seem to take notice of my body- in the see-through, back-less gown.  

Just my mind.  My ideas.

So much he could accurately sketch every abstract thoughts that popped into my head.
 

But we couldn’t be kept together for our sake

Because I apparently would continue to be stuck in my supposed, vicious cycle of “promiscuity”

And he would be deterred from getting better as he fell victim to me.  


It wasn’t like what they thought.


I was the only one who gave him the attention he craved

Without him trying to stab himself with a plastic knife.

I was the only one.

The other girl close to our age couldn’t listen or relate to him

Because she was always away, fighting imaginary demons.

They couldn’t understand that my place was to be there with him

My strength came from giving some to him. 

I curse the day I became such a girl!

When my heart was no longer cold

And I fell in love with the idea of being in love -as if I know what it is.

What happened to being good at not letting strangers get close to me?

Why do I feel the need for a chance to give someone unconditional love?

-As if my own life depends on it and that I’m actually not better by myself.

Why do I cry at stupid, romantic movies!

When did I even start watching them in the first place!

How is it that I’m sitting through “The Bachelor” without cringing

and instead, curled up to protect my vulnerable self?

(Vulnerable? I have a “vulnerable self” now?)

When did all these bruises on my heart started hurting so bad?

… when did I allow myself to cry over boys?

Or let boys make me cry?

I want to fit into your shoes.

Have them take me to all the places you’ve traveled

and journey through your life

So that when I take them off,

I know where you stand

And can walk beside you.

I want to be wanted.

By lovers.  By family.  By friends.  By the world.

I want to be wanted

- For much longer than temporarily.  

Ironic

     That everyone knows everything about me

     That I have nothing to hide

     Yet I seem to always be men’s best kept secret.

I wish it would stop raining

So I don’t have to miss you even more.

Stop calling me and leaving messages

Because you know I instantly answer

Or knock at my door

Because I can’t stop myself from running to open it

Don’t hug me when I’m too weak to break away

Or kiss me knowing I can’t resist kissing you back.

Here I go again-staying when I shouldn’t

Waiting for you to leave me because I’m incapable of doing it first

Even when it eats at me and I cry every night,

I pretend I haven’t found what you tried to hide. 

You’re like a repeat of the last and ones before

And I’m trapped in this circle because I don’t learn from my past.

How is it possible that you’ve been so nice to me,

Yet still able to make me cry?

Trust issues.

Maybe it’s just me and it’s all in my head.

Be obvious and treat me badly-at least I know how to deal with that.

Be direct if you’re going to be different.

I was left to lick my own wounds time and time again

Eventually, being bruised and cut up gets old.

I was jaded as men failed me at every turn I took.

With you, I’m once again the naive girl I was years ago

I’m not sure how to react to every little sweet gestures from you,

But it makes me wake up with a smile every morning-

So why shouldn’t I welcome that in my life?

If I’m somehow wrong this time, let me enjoy one more ignorant bliss.

You and I- we’re not going to work out.


There.  I wrote it.  Now it seems more real.  And it sucks.